SATIRE: Buc-ee’s billboards draw ire of urine-soaked travelers

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By TISH HUGHES | Clark County Constitutional

CADDO VALLEY, Arkansas — Mayor Joe Jackson’s telephone rang off the hook Tuesday, April 1, as angry Interstate 30 travelers called to complain they had pissed themselves en route to the nearest Buc-ee’s in search of a restroom.

A trio of billboard advertisements alongside the I-30 on-ramp at Caddo Valley, visible to westbound travelers, promises motorists that they “can hold it” another 590-something miles to the nearest Buc-ee’s on the I-30/40 route, in Tennessee, we guess.

That wasn’t the case at all for 39-year-old Ophelia Payne, who left her Texarkana home at dawn Tuesday for a post-spring-break road trip to the Smoky Mountains. “By the time I got to Memphis, my bladder was hurtin’ somethin’ fierce,” Payne admitted in a conversation heard over the mayor’s speakerphone. “I had to let it go in Nashville — I couldn’t hold it no more! I coulda turned around at Caddo Valley and been closer to the Buc-ee’s in McKinney [Texas],” added Payne, who was one of about 50 irate Texans reconsidering their loyalty to the Buc-ee’s brand.

A family of six hopped out of their minivan at the Pilot Travel Center in Caddo Valley, asking for directions to the nearest Buc-ee’s. Both parents and all four children were slightly hunched over and squeezing their knees together as their attention was directed to the billboards. They were last seen thanking the Pilot clerks profusely as the van peeled out of the parking lot.

The mayor said he was planning to call a special meeting Tuesday night to take action on the removal of the deceptive billboards. Countywide, residents all resounded that Buc-ee’s shoulda opted for a cozy roadside location off the Gum Springs exit, because service roads at Benton are already crowded enough.