SATIRE: APD rolls out segway fleet

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By JAY WALKER | Clark County Constitutional

Admitting regret for turning his back on green energy, Arkadelphia Police Chief Jason “Shorty” Jackson rolled out a new fleet of segways for the city’s patrol division on Tuesday, April 1, 2025.

Each rank of patrolman will be assigned their own segway, which will be allowed for officers’ commutes so long as their home is within a 50-mile radius of police headquarters in downtown Arkadelphia.

Each segway is equipped with a police package that includes a little siren on the handlebar and a grill guard designed for effective pit maneuvers. The fleet of 20 segways comes with a $250,000 price tag and will be funded by the 1-cent Keep Arkadelphia Moving Forward sales tax.

On Tuesday morning, the APD morning shift was undergoing a specialized course on segway operation: some used training wheels to “get the feel” for the skills required to operate the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transportation devices. During the training course, one sergeant fell from his segway and scraped his knee a little, but he was reportedly OK because every ambulance and fire truck in the city responded to give him a Band-Aid.

“Those Chargers just had too much horsepower for what our patrol division needed to carry out their day-to-day patrol duties,” Jackson said of the gas-guzzling Dodge fleet that replaced the Toyota Camry hybrid fleet that saved the city on fuel — a cost that was offset by the ridiculously high price of replacing hybrid batteries. “The segways, I believe, will be the perfect balance of using renewable energy while maintaining a certain sense of masculinity for the force.”

Asked what the department will do with the old fleet of Rams, Durangos and Chargers, Chief Jackson said they’ll accompany the former hybrid fleet at the old armory next to the airport and spend the next decade or so rusting away.

City Manager Gary Brinkley applauded APD’s bold move, adding that he’s “ecstatic” about the money-saving potential. Brinkley said he plans to take those savings to buy some less-squeaky brake pads for the city’s sanitation trucks.


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