WARNING: This post is intended for fellow Scrooges. Consider yourself warned.
In full transparency, it’s only for very selfish reasons that we dislike Christmas. See, when we were 8 years old, our mother died just 10 days before the Big Day. Somewhere in an old family photo album is a snapshot of her immediate survivors posed at the cemetery: a little blonde boy makes a silly face at the camera while his father and two older siblings stand behind him, their stark expressions evident of sorrow and loss. Most people associate poinsettias with Christmas; we immediately think of death. Thirty-two years later and we still can’t quite find much joy in this time of year. Now that the Old Man is gone, the loss hits even harder this year. But enough with our sob story — let’s turn to some attempts at dark humor and cold facts.
In the song “The 12 Days of Christmas,” if you count cumulatively, your true love gives you a total of 184 birds by the end of the 12 days. If The Spouse were to come home with that many birds, we’d be calling a divorce lawyer.
We’d love to take a knife to those stupid outdoor inflatables.
Since the marina no longer has the tradition of hanging an awe-inspiring light display, and because there’s quite frankly not much to see around Arkadelphia in the way of Christmas lights, we’re happy to report that there’s a spectacular display in Malvern. Check out the Enchanted Forest, a drive-through display featuring thousands of lighted bamboo “trees” on Moline Street. Donations are accepted, and likely appreciated come the arrival of January’s light bill.
Our favorite (and only) Christmas tradition is the daily text exchange of R-rated lines taken from the “Badder Santa” script with a close friend. We assume he gets the same joy from it.
Can’t help but wonder how many of the choir kids who sang in Vince Guaraldi’s “Christmas Time is Here” are now dead. Or how they spent the $5 they made from their performance.
This Sunday, Dec. 21, marks the Winter Solstice. It’s the shortest day and longest night of the year for the Northern Hemisphere.
Andy Williams was wrong (at least his songwriters were): With warm temps and more daylight, June is the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.
Ozzy the Chocolate Chihuahua says Happy Chihuanukkah. Hanukkah began the eve of Sunday, Dec. 14, and continues through Monday, Dec. 22.
Joel Phelps is editor of arkadelphian.com. Opinions expressed in this column are entirely his own. This ain’t no Chinese menu!
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